shadows and stones - an original fiction series of gothic, horror, dark fantasy

I have no idea where I’ve been flying, or even how long I’ve been in the air. Dawn crests the horizon long before I land, exhausted, in front of the house. Almost as an afterthought, I retake my true form before collapsing onto the ground. I lay there, unmoving and silent; I don’t even have enough energy left to cry. Eventually, the sun rises enough to warm my back. I rise and go inside, but I do so like a automaton.

“Eva, I’ve been looking for you all over, are you ready for breakfast?” Ursula stands just inside the vestibule. Was she watching me through the window? It doesn’t matter. I should answer her, but that would involve thought and energy – I don’t have either. Passing her in silence, I move towards the main stairs and start climbing.

“Eva?” I hear the concern, but I can’t respond. I’m numb. I keep walking.

Here is my door, familiar after a year and a half of residence. I open it.

Here is my sitting room, a little messy as I left it and dark from the lack of windows. I enter.

Here is Iain’s hideaway, cleverly disguised as a piece of paneling. I pop the latch. Inside, Iain is awake, despite the daylight outside. He might as well be asleep though, or even dead. He looks dead. Dark caverns engulf his eyes, and already hollow cheeks are even more collapsed. If I hadn’t seen him in better days, I’d think he was no more than a sniveling member of the pack.

I’ve done this to Iain. In my arrogance, in my need to make myself feel better, by acting out a grand gesture without sufficient forethought, I’ve destroyed his life. I gave him hope I shouldn’t have, and it’s eaten him away. Sinking to my knees, I bow my head before him.

“I really thought I was doing it for you.”

“I know that, Eva.”

“But I was doing it for myself.”

“I know.” He is so hoarse it tears at me. ”But, Eva, I…”

“I went to the vampires, Iain. I got the answer.” I raise my eyes to his. He is shocked, trying to understand what I have said. For a time, we are both silent.

“What did you give her, Eva?”

I ignore the question, it doesn’t matter anymore. “The only way to bring you back is to get another body, Iain. A fresh body. I can’t kill someone for you, Iain. I can’t justify taking the life of another human being to give you back yours, but that’s the only way left.” Again we are silent. Again Iain breaks the silence.

“Kill me, Eva. Please.”

I didn’t think I had any tears left, but one seems to have survived and is slipping down my cheek. “How?”

“Just put me in the fireplace, lass, and light it. Vampire’s are like kindling, I’ll go quickly.”

I nod. It really is the only option; sunlight, while more beautiful, would be slow. Gently, I lift Iain, cradling him like an infant as I carry him to the hearth. Kindling and wood are stacked neatly to the side, I use them to build a nest in the fireplace. In the center of the nest, I place Iain.

“Do me a favor, lass?”

“Anything.”

“Take some of the ashes to my Ma. I’ve told you where she is. Give her some ashes and tell her something she can believe about how I died, but spread the rest out in the fields so I can’t come back.”

“Gladly,” I can’t say more. My throat is tight with sobs I’m fighting to hold back. If I try to speak I know they’ll burst free, and Iain deserves better of me at this moment. With shaking hands, I take one of the long matches, striking it.

The tiny flame flares up between my eyes and Iain’s. I focus on it, rather than him, but I can’t stop the sudden flood of visions it brings to me: Iain’s body engulfed in flames as Rath removes his head, Simon’s head with my torch mere inches from igniting it, and Dieter’s body torn and drained at Romany’s feet in the flickering firelight. Shaking hard I lose my grip on the match, dropping it onto the stone hearth where it extinguishes.

“Eva?”

“I can’t. I can’t kill for you, Iain, and I can’t kill you either.”

“Eva?”

“I can’t do it Iain! I can’t!”

Screaming, I throw the matches aside. There’s, been too much death, too much horror. No matter how much I care about Iain, I can’t see another being destroyed. With his calls echoing in my ears, I race from my room. I’ve failed him again and again at every turn; I’m worthless. I want to crawl away into some dark hole and never come out again.

I should have died in the tower when I first came here.

Recklessly, I run down the stairs two at a time, leaping from the fifth step to the floor without breaking stride. The tower is a derelict portion of the house, accessible only from a hidden door in Rath’s office. When I reach the office, I don’t bother opening the door, I plow through it. Heading straight for the bookcase that conceals the tower entrance, I knock over anything which stands in my path.

Adrenaline alone gives me the strength to pull the bookcase down, contents and all. Splinters of wood strike my legs as it crashes.

Racing into the pitch blackness beyond this new doorway, I feel a flood of desolation cresting within me and press it down. I’m almost there, almost alone, where I can let it all go. The corridor is a short one. Two strides, three, suddenly my feet touch only air. I plummet, like a stone, to the tower floor two stories below. The pain of contact is almost a pleasure. My left arm snaps like a twig on impact. I don’t care. Curling into a fetal position where I fell, I give vent to all my despair, losing my humanity in my screams and tears.

Oh God, oh Mama, oh Daddy, I don’t deserve to live.

Return to part iv: trespass
Continue to part vi: evensong

episode i: journey into darkness - episode ii: tea party - episode iii: awakening
episode iv: the book of grief - episode v: paterfamilias - episode vi: breaking points
episode vii: the dark of the mind - episode viii: decisions
episode ix: momentary distractions - episode x: exorcising demons i
episode xi: porcelain visions - episode xii: the nature of jackals
episode xiii: exorcising demons ii - episode xiv: the invitation
episode xv: body & soul - episode xvi: mothering sunday
episode xvii: imbalance of power - episode xviii: interlude
episode xix: between life and death

episodes - gallery
free stuff - resources - links & webrings
author - guestbook - contact